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Brewer Burns

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

A Different Kind of Perineal Massage

So, I was over reading Cecily's blog the other day when she voiced her intention to start doing some "perineal massage." Perineal Massage (apparently) involves a hugely pregnant woman who "massages" her perineum (the area between her vagina and anus) so the area will stretch more easily during childbirth, and thereby cut down on the incidence and severity of tearing. Can I just jump in here and say that this is reason 1,001 why I would like to be completely sedated if I ever give birth? First, because I might have to convince Stpehn to stretch the area between my vagina and asshole, and second, because this is actually the lesser of two evils, since the alternative is ripping, tearring, and possibly an episiotomy, otherwise know as snipping the skin of my vagina, so as to facilitate the opening up of my vagina like a fucking zipper. Thankfully this post is not about that kind of perineal massage.

This post is about that other kind of perineal massage. What? You've never heard of the other kind (or perhaps you've heard of neither and could happily have lived your whole life without that information?) Well. You are in for a treat.

It all started when Stephen bought a new bike. He's the proud new owner of the Cannondale Bad Boy. He commutes to work on his bike so he had the chance to show off the Bad Boy to one of his coworkers when he rode it to work on Monday. This particular coworker, let's call him "the South Hill Ranger," is also a bike enthusiast. Upon inspecting the Bad Boy the South Hill Ranger had some advice for Stephen. First, he was of the opinion that Stephen should invest in some good bike shorts. The kind with a soft, moisture wicking chamois in the ass area. You know, to cushion your ass and wick away sweat during long bike rides.

The second piece of advice brings us to the point. Particularly as it relates to lubricating Stephen's perineum during the aforementioned long bike rides. Apparently, the South Hill Ranger, and scads of other bicyclists, have found it necessary to lubricate their taint (because it "t'ain't my ass and t'ain't my balls" to quote the Ranger) during long bike rides. So much so, that there is actually a product on the market, manufactured and sold under the name "assos" (I shit you not) which is made for this very purpose.

So, the next time you see some guy riding a bike with calves the size of your head, remember, before he stepped into his $90.00 a pair bike shorts that morning, he first applied a glob of taint cream to the specially-designed chamois inside those shorts so he would be well-lubricated.

I'm just a fountain of needed and useful information.


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