Locked in a Maze

I feel like I’m trapped in a maze. I’m not even looking for the cheese in the center anymore, I’m just looking for the way out, the way I came in.

I mentioned a little while ago that my free counseling appointments had run out and I was going to try another path. So far, I’ve attended two Al-Anon meetings. The first one was made up entirely of women. It was fine. I felt uncomfortable but it wasn’t bad. At the second one I felt more uncomfortable. I just don’t know that this is the right environment for me. For one, I’m an atheist (yes, yes, I’m a godless lawyer,) so the idea of giving my problems to a higher power doesn’t work for me. For another, the idea of working the twelve steps? I don’t know. What horrible addiction am I quitting? I mean, I bite my nails obsessively and Stephen accuses me of having an addiction to hand creams, but I don’t really feel like I need a twelve step program for those issues.

Anyway, the other thing I have done is call all the recommendations that my former counselor gave me at my last appointment and found that I don’t make enough money to keep me in good psychological health. Treatment prices range from $75.00 up to $140.00 an hour. That’s a lot of money to me. I’ve also contacted my insurance provider and discovered that while they do cover mental health care, I have a $1,000.00 deductible, and they only cover twelve visits a year and those twelve visits a year include the appointments at which I am still paying on my deductible. Translation? They will never cover anything at all. I also can’t sign up for Stephen’s insurance until December, and it wouldn’t take effect until January. Since I’m sitting at my desk considering what would happen if I jumped out my office window (which doesn’t actually open, so don’t worry it’s not a real, viable suicide plan) I’m thinking that maybe I shouldn’t wait five months to get another appointment.

Anyway, so I signed up for an appointment on Thursday with the woman who will charge me $75.00. I will pay it out of pocket. And then I’m going to have to come up with an alternative plan. I just don’t know what.